Today is hard.

So much pain in my hands, my nails are peeling away, my body is exhausted from the inflammation, from the fibromyalgia, and from an 8-hour night of sleep that still left me awake without feeling properly rested.

I hear a lot about how I need to be calmer, look at things more positively, and that I need to try and not give in to her or them. 'Her' being the so-called depression. Currently suspended, but lurking, waiting for a loophole.

'Them' being the symptoms of rheumatic diseases. The pain, the fatigue.

I confess I used to be very negative, very pessimistic. Today, I try not to blame myself. It was my way of surviving for a long time. Not anymore.

As I explained to a loved one one day, there came a moment when I just got tired. Tired of feeling miserable. Tired of only looking for immediate relief without any consistency. It wasn’t strength; it was survival. Keeping on sinking inside myself was no longer an option—not if I wanted peace of mind and to keep living.

I felt very frustrated to realize that, even after changing habits that were harmful to myself, consistency didn't come. My body got worse: more pain, more fatigue; consequently, a mind sinking deeper into depression.

I am writing this with the intention of venting, not complaining. Intention...

Today I am not well. So much pain in my nails and hands since yesterday. I don't know if you know what it’s like to feel pain for a long time, but there comes a point where it just irritates you. And you spend the whole day irritated. After days, the irritation fades and the sadness of being like this takes over. After days, desperation sets in.

I have been noticing this cycle and, once again, I am trying to do things differently. Facing the fact that the pain irritates me and trying to see if there is something in my mind bothering me. Our body is a reflection. A reflection of something physical or mental. Or both. Usually, both things go hand in hand.

So, I think: maybe my cortisol spiked, which increased my inflammation. I think I know the main reason, but I’m not ready to face it yet. See? Maybe I’m not that strong after all. And I don’t even want to be. No one is that strong without breaking down afterward.

The fact is, I am sensitive with this nervous system active all the time. And I feel like my parents are running out of patience with me because of my complaints about pain or my explanations about it. I try to be understanding of their emotions, but there are moments when I get sad. I would love to hear, 'It must be hard, right?'. Because many days, it’s just that: it is hard. And all I need is to just get through my day of pain and fatigue. But what I often hear instead is: 'Why don't you do this or that?', 'You are too focused on the illness, you need to switch off', 'You worry too much'. Today I heard, 'Oh, the heat bothers everyone, come on!'. I felt sad, because at that moment I realized my father is saturated. First came the sadness. A few minutes later, anger, and I thought, 'I’m not saying anything else! Nobody understands me, nobody supports me.' A few minutes later, still sad, I remembered something I often tell people close to me: this is on him. Deep down, it doesn’t matter what he thinks of me, because it's his thing, and I have no control over it. Of course, I really wish it were different. I feel sad and frustrated for not receiving the concern and affection the way I would like to.

When I reach this line of reasoning, I finally ask myself: how can I deal with this right now?

This time, my answer was 'by writing'. That’s all I can do right now.

At this moment in my life, there are many things for which, for now, I see no immediate solutions. What is left for me is to accept the moment I am in, live each day, each week, and seek calmness.

Later, I will explain what moment in life this is.